In Flight Entertainment

I just got back home (Baltimore) after spending the holidays with my buddy in Ohio
I naturally had to board a couple of flights, since I wasn't driving or neurotic enough to make the journey on foot
My first flight took me from Canton to Atlanta
I am one of those people who usually hopes I get me a fine looking lady with a great enough smile and a knack for small talk as my neighbor on flights
For the first leg of my air relay, I did have a female and that is as far as my hopes got answered
She was anything but ...I hear it is rude to call a lady ugly so I would say she was fine from far
All she did was nod off to sleep rather violently ( I was sure her neck would snap off soon enough)
But she somewhat had enough diva drama in her to wake up at some point to complain that my elbow was bothering her
What a joke! My elbow was way on my side: I put her nagging down to a fevered dream

And it gets worse
So it is the second leg of the relay from Atlanta to Baltimore and the same hopes surface "Lady luck cannot be so mean"
Boy! was I wrong, first I get a middle seat (what!!!!) I am 6' 4 and weigh about 300 pounds so do excuse my alarm at having to get a middle seat
And just as I seat down beside some skinny dude to my left, an unwelcome vision twice my size and girth settles into the seat on the right (instant panic whirls up within me)
Long story cut short...there's a ticket mix up, skinny guy gets bumped up to first class, I take his place and some female (much like the first described) takes a seat between the bigger guy and me the big guy
Oh! I really do pity her, she must feel like a piece of bacon between two bread buns
Then the nightmare ensues: someone FARTS!!! not once but twice
It was the worst smell I had ever been exposed to and everyone around just pretended like it was nothing and kept their eyes shut in feigned sleep
I'm sorry I am not that placid, I had to speak to whoever the terrorist was to please STOP in the name of all things fair and nice
It stopped and I do have my suspects, but something tells me I am on a similar list most likely compiled by others seated around too
...It sure is good to be home
( Seriously though: there should be a law against farting on airlines)